Seven

I went to see my boyfriend climb today. I was there originally to be a model for my friend and her photography thing. The pictures on the little screen of the camera looked amazing. I'm not embarrassed at all which is a little weird just because I usually hate pictures of myself.

It was crazy when even though he was with one of his friends and I was with one of mine, he was so happy. And when he looked at me I felt so connected with him. There were so many people there but it felt like it was only the two of us. It was awesome. We've just been so connected lately.

I was reading this blog called Faking It today and it actually made me kinda sad about the future. It's hard for me to see that I could be married. Don't get me wrong... I want to get married and have kids or adopt or whatever... clearly I don't want that right now... I'm only 18 after all... But then I don't want to turn out like my stepmom who is almost 42 and never had any human kids of her own even though she would've been a great mother... She does have a dog and maybe that thing is so spoiled.

I should stop planning my life out like this. It happens when it happens, right?

Six

My grandmother is driving me crazy today. She said the one good thing about having two fucked up parents is that I can defend myself and then she changed it to two, be independent. I don't feel independent. My mom didn't give me enough space until my last birthday and woohoo for that one... Now I attend a lot of "movies at the theater" just to be with my boyfriend until midnight. That's what you call fun. It's just the beginnings of my lies to my mother. I lie to her about so many other things and they all involve him which is amazing. There will be more in the future when I get to sneak over to his house or him over to mine which would be pretty awesome. Anyways, tangent, I've never heard her call my mom fucked up before. And she definitely said fucked up not screwed up... she's 68... The mouth of that woman lately... she said shit while my 7 year old sister was here and she didn't even notice that slipped out of her mouth... I'm tired of being over here with her spending so much time with her. Maybe it's hormones... my boobs are starting to hurt like I'll be getting my period next week or something... I wish I could remember when I last had it so I would know...

Randomly: I suggest listening to Very Busy People by The Limousines. Or Crazy Angel by Kill Hannah.

Five

I found myself fishing for compliments today. It was about my hair. And yes, it looked horrible. And I know only a best friend can say yes it does and still go out to coffee with me. It must be love.

Four

Today I learned my boyfriend has a complete trust in me.
One of his good friends I learned... and I knew since late December... has this crazy crush on me. I tried to push it out of my mind because he said it wasn't me. Now I feel like an idiot. And I should have known this weekend when we touched on accident. I felt like he looked at me in a more than friends way. I should have known when he told me that my boyfriend doesn't respect me. I should've known when he picked at every little thing. I should've known when he told me I'm pretty.
I wish he didn't try to bring that up with me today. I wish I wasn't in denial. I wish I didn't lead him on. I wish he didn't post how shitty his life has become on Facebook four times in less than six hours. Is he trying to rub it in?
Back to the boyfriend... He didn't even want to hear details. Then he said he had to go eat dinner instead of talking to me about something important. Now he just texts me because he has homework... which I suppose is better than normal when he doesn't text me at all while he's doing his homework.
I was crying before I called him. It's not a big deal I guess because it was only a few tears. Now I just miss him.
He texted me first. So I feel a bit better.

Three

There is one phrase I feel that I should use more often. I used it today when I got angry. And then it pissed me off because one of my exes used to say it instead of bull shit. (Although I guess he could still be using it.) Just so you know, the two aren't interchangeable. I hate that guy now just as I have for the past eleven months. It was a birthday present to myself to stop talking to him when I ended our post-break-up friendship. It embarrasses me that I like my ex-boyfriend's most memorable phrase. Fuck that.

Two

We learned about how seven huge conglomerates own practically everything in the media.

Psychology makes me think too much. I never want to buy anything or watch tv or read or listen to music. Everything that's out there is too cool. I thought I was being different but no, I'm just the same. I'm a follower and that depresses me. I know there are many choices to do with my life which means there are no original choices unless I move to a remote village. Then there would be no entertainment or at least nothing electronic. I would die of boredom. And still that depresses me. I hate myself.

One

Hi.

I'd just like to say that my name is not completely random. It's actually from a poem I wrote:

green is lucky
violet duckie
little red trucky
yucky yellow bunny

And yes, it's not supposed to make sense.