twenty-six

I made some more cupcakes with my soulmate today. And we went to IKEA. And we went to Beverly's. It was a very nice day until I started talking about my boyfriend problems. We all have them so no big deal. I'm just frustrated with myself. You don't know it's love until you have it. And now I feel like I've lost a little bit of it so I don't even have it anymore. I'm not sure if I feel better after my talk today with my soulmate about it. When he was gone I missed him. But not that much. And now he's back and I feel different.

I watched the last four episodes of Sex and the City tonight. It did make me feel a little bit better. And it made my night go really well. And then he got home and I feel all sick again. I hope this is just a weird time. I want it to go back to what it was.

And I want my fucking headache to go away too.

Sixteen

36 things I love right now:
1. Shopping online for dresses.There's this great website called modcloth that I absolutely love. They have great dresses there.
2. Reading. I just read the first three Twilight books again. I wish Twilight fans didn't go so fucking crazy with Twilight. I wish they could just let me read my girl porn in peace. And then right now I'm reading the second Game of Thrones. A Clash of Kings. It's not as easy of a read as Twilight. But I think it's less embarassing to say that I'm reading it.
3. Books. Mostly finding a new book and buying it. I'm not so good with libraries. Those books smell. So instead I get a Kindle. I love you, Amazon. And with it I can get books for free. Thank you, Internet.
4. Drinking iced chai lattes. Especially since I've been able to find a cheaper alternative than $4 at Starbucks. Before I wasn't able to find any other options
5. Whole milk. If you've grown up drinking nothing else, then it's the only thing you can drink. Fat free milk is like water. And 1 and 2% are OK. But I think even those make me sick. Also it's surprising that I'm not overweight at all. And I watch many around me drinking Diet Coke who are overweight.
6. Knitting. It's a recent thing of mine to do this. I started in the fall sometime and I've already made two scarves and now I'm onto socks. I have a great mentor. I think I even have purling down now. It gives me something nice to do at my boyfriend's house.
7. Cute drawer pulls/knobs. I bet I'll end up collecting these as I get older. It started from Anthropologie a couple years ago. And I've found some awesome things. I have these cute little ones on my closet doors. White with roses. And a white flower for my bedside table. And I have another that was too big for the same spot. And then I found some owl ones on pinterest. Awesome.
8. Roses. I can't decide if my favorites are yellow or white. White could seem depressing like funerals or romantic like weddings. And yellow are sweet and smell the best. And then there's red. Too cliche.
9. Owls. They are becoming quite popular. Which is awesome because now I can find lots of things with owls on them.
10. My soulmate. If we were both slightly more lesbian and without boyfriends. Perfect for each other.
11. My dog. He has these super adorable eyebrows that he can move. And he's huge.
12. Puppies. What's not to love? Although I've found three people who don't like puppies. Haters.
13. Pumpkin orange. The one that is in this year and the one before. Or maybe the one before that. The right clothes just aren't finding me. It's the one color I don't have in my wardrobe yet that I actually want there. And that doesn't happen often.
14. Bright colors. I have neon yellow and lime green. But I want more. It makes life so vibrant.
15. Charcoal gray. I own many things of this color. Or noncolor if that's the way you go through life. It goes so well with my skin. And everything cute happens to be in this color.
16. Underwear. It used to be all about the sexy underwear so I could feel confident. But now I don't have enough panties that I can just wear on normal days. The ones that I hope my boss sees instead of the sexy ones that I hope she never sees.
17. Tigers. My boyfriend is the tiger of my life. From "whoa there tiger" when we first started dating. I love it.
18. Dragons. Always reminding me of the tattoo that I want. It's in my head. But too bad I'm not good at drawing. I'm thinking I might just do a bad ass bear instead. My family is all about the bears. Which would make more sense than a dragon that has no place anywhere in my life except that it's so awesome.
19. Baking. I've realized about myself that my baking talents aren't that good. I've tried to make things other than what I'm good at making and they're so horrible. Peanut butter cookies and apple pie. Both of which turn out amazing every time. Especially the apple pie. The best since I was five years old and my grandpa didn't believe me I made a pie all by myself.
20. Patterns. Stripes. Polka dots. Zig zags. Plaid. I think about them all the time. I wish I could be something like an interior decorator with ideas like these. Or rather I would just like to include them in my life. So inspirational.
21. Print making. I was surprised to find there are so many different ways to make prints. My favorites are linoleum cuts and monoprinting watercolors.
22. Photography. I dabbled a bit in high school and came out with several shots I love but nothing more. I have great respect for those who do their own dark room work. It's difficult because the world doesn't stop for you. And when you find something great to photo, it just doesn't look that great as a photo.
23. Zooey Deschanel. She is probably one of the few actresses out there I love. (500) Days of Summer. One of my favorite movies. And she's in New Girl. Awesome show. And her sister in Bones. Another great show of a different kind.
24. Music. Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People. The Promise by When in Rome. Something Good Can Work by Two Door Cinema Club. Walking On A Dream by Empire of the Sun. Hermit the Frog by Marina & the Diamonds. We Are Young by Fun. Somebody I Used to Know by Gotye. Always Something There to Remind Me by Naked Eyes.
25. The smell of cloves. It reminds me of gingerbread cookies. Which reminds me of my favorite holiday Christmas Eve. My busiest day of the year when I can expect awesome things. Awesome cookies. Awesome dinner with buttery bread. Awesome gift giving and receiving. Awesome dressing up wearing heels. Awesome clam chowder for my dinner. Awesome happy people. Awesome traditions.
26. Cuddling with my boyfriend. My boyfriend. You know I think I was able to get a boyfriend because I didn't put Edward Cullen in such a high place. It's too bad they cast Cedric Diggory as Edward. I guess it could have been the director but that was a terrible role for him. Nothing like the Edward I'd pictured in my head. Thanks for ruining Twilight a bit for me. It was much nicer when I was finally able to get him out of my head.
27. Sushi. We have this place we go with the greatest roll ever. Tempura shrimp and crab on the inside. Minced garlic on the outside. Called the Nuclear Roll. It's a garlic lover's dream.
28. Garlic. I put it on everything. It makes the world taste better.
29. Barbecue sauce. Especially with chicken. I can't say exactly why I love it so much.
30. Sourdough bread. Clearly I'm from California. People don't know about this on the other coast. But am I an addict if I have this every day?
31. Dressing up for fun. Wearing heels. Dresses. Jeans. Makeup. Hair. New clothes. Feeling pretty.
32. Blue jeans. Casual love.
33. The number 10. It's my birthday. And it's fabulous.
34. French. Things. The language. It's all so romantic.
35. Doing something I don't normally do. Inspire me.
36. Ke$ha. Or Key-ha as I like to call her. Embarassingly enough I love her music. It's just so trashy and silly. Thank you for your fun music.

Eleven

It's been a while again. I keep telling myself I need to write more to give myself something to do but I keep forgetting about my promises. And I keep hanging out with my boyfriend too much. So here I am at his house while he plays on his play station. He just got Super Street Fighter IV but he's mostly been playing the new Fallout. He dragged me to the midnight release of Fallout actually. That was dumb. We met with his friend who we call by his last name. I don't understand that actually, to call someone by their last name. He's an annoying kid. Usually the two of them go climbing and they're both guys. So it's not like they talk about much else other than rock climbing or video games. So this last name kid, he's currently addicted to Minecraft. Since I find absolutely no point to this game other than you're supposed to live, I don't play it. And he's one of the ones to go on the multiplayer games to try and help build some big thing. There are some cool stuff that have been built. But it's also totally pointless. Anyways, last name kid sounds like a loser, because he is one.

So I didn't start this post to talk about video games. I guess it's just on my mind since he's right here next to me playing them and Street Fighter has annoying sound effects so it doesn't really go away.

The real reason for this post started a couple years ago actually when I asked my dad's fiancee why she had so many home and garden magazines. And she introduced me to this idea of nesting. Now I've seen Juno (Jason Reitman) and I understand that nesting is a part of having a baby for a woman, how you have to ready your nest for your baby. But since she doesn't have any kids, it's almost depressing to watch her. [Pause]

It's 11:11 pm. Time to make a wish. And I wish my boyfriend didn't have such an asshole for a dad.

[OKGO] She doesn't have any kids, and she's 42 so it's pretty much too late. It's not as if she didn't want kids, she was just in a relationship that didn't work out when she was in her prime child-bearing years. That phrase is dumb--prime child-bearing years. So she focused on her work instead. And she's pretty high up now because of it. She's vice president or something which she's really proud of obviously. She's more of a feminist than I am.

A tangent from the current tangent: My dad thinks that there is only one degree of feminism and he thinks it's extreme. He thinks that feminists are all hardcore bra-burning women who believe that men shouldn't be in power and should be walked all over at every possible chance. He's wrong. End tangent.

So she is really cool since she doesn't have kids, but it's really sad that she doesn't at the same time. She's so in love with her nieces and nephews that you can just tell that she would have loved to have kids of her own. She spoils them so much. Instead she has a dog, which is fine, but the dog has become her child. She talks to her and the dog used to worship her but now that my dad is there full time, the dog loves him more since he takes her on walks while his fiancee is at work full time.

With nesting, she started introducing me to the idea when we went to an Anthropologie store. I love that place now. They have really nice clothes, all really cute, it's just too bad they're so expensive. She's gotten me a couple Christmas presents from there which have all been really cute. They also have a living section with plates and knobs and other knickknacks.

So she was the one to introduce me to home decor. Now I've been trying to make my room more my own. Now it's this really sick spring green color which I absolutely love. And I keep trying to find new cool stuff. I've found some really awesome things in Urban Outfitters. They have a home decor section as well. I was in there the other day and they have these matryoshka doll measuring cups. Those are the Russian dolls that fit inside each other. And there's six different cup sizes and three dolls. They're so cool I'm thinking about buying them for myself, just to be a decoration in the time being until I have my own kitchen. Christmas present to myself :)

And so this nesting thing has gone farther than just these material things AKA main point for writing this particular post. I keep having these ideas today about the future. My future life. I keep seeing my boyfriend in it. And we keep saying that we probably aren't going to last forever. We don't have this plan to get married or anything like that which is good since I don't want to be in that kind of serious relationship and he doesn't either. Everyone I've talked to finds this idea pretty odd since it's probably like what's the point of being in the relationship if you don't think you're going to get married. Which, honestly, I don't really care what they think about our relationship, because their opinion doesn't matter.

So my nesting thing. I keep thinking about having kids. And it all seems kinda soon and crazy. And now I don't remember where I was going so this is a little sad. But now I'm glad this whole idea isn't in my head anymore since I don't really want kids right now. Ok phew.

Ten

Ok... I know it's been a while. And a lot has happened. I've had a bunch of crazy dreams. I got a B- in the worst class ever. And that's a good grade for that class. My boyfriend and I had our 1 year anniversary which was really nice. My family has been nagging me about getting a job and signing up for school. My uncle and my aunt, who I don't like as much, think I should dump my boyfriend. Oh wait that was a joke--ya right. I freaked out for two weeks about being pregnant. and then I got my period. Turns out I just had this thing called PMDD, or so I like to think since I diagnosed myself. I made mistakes in some friendships and really good not mistakes in others. I'm currently visiting my sister in Boston.

So our one year. We hung out at my house and at his. We watched TrueBlood. I love that show. And then my grandparents left to go to a movie. Probably not the best sex we ever had.

(Removed because it felt inappropriate.) Since I was the one that broke the refrigerator. His dad is super pissed about that still apparently even thought it happened like a year ago and its practically fixed with a piece of duct tape.

So we went out to dinner at a fondue place. It's really dingy and has bad lighting. And you can see the wires. We got this cool kind of fondue though. I always forget what it's called, but it was better than the garlic one.

So I guess my family nagging about my job and getting into school was really stressful. Add that to regular PMS. Add that to my boyfriend not being around as much because his brother is here. Add that to me starting to think he doesn't want me anymore so I should just dump him. Add that to not talking to my best friend about him because she says she doesn't like him.

Pause.

So I get this letter in my mailbox one day near the beginning of summer break. It's from my best friend. It says she's worried about me. It says she doesn't like my boyfriend for similar reasons to why I didn't like one of her exes. She thinks I haven't been doing as well in school because of him when her perfect relationship allowed her to have better grades. And not just last year but for this year going to school in the fall I haven't done anything. So she thinks my relationship with him is toxic. And it ends with you know I love you I'm just trying to help.

OKGO.

So from the letter it felt like I couldn't talk to her because then she would shut down. because I did try. Like I could take the smile off her face with mention of his name. So then I couldn't call her during my most depressed week where I would cry every night even when I was with him. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. And he would get frustrated whenever I started crying. I couldn't put exactly why I was crying when I started. Sometimes it would get better. And other times it would get a lot worse especially when he wouldn't kiss me. All that week it felt like he wasn't loving me enough and I needed his kisses to make me feel loved. With his brother there he didn't have enough time for me. One night I had to babysit for my mom. I cried on the way over to her house. And she didn't notice when I walked in the door although I didn't want her to. It just made me feel worse. Three miserable hours later even though I was watching one of my favorite shows. Mad Men. I thought I saw the last episode on the disc and there was still another one. Which was dumb and made me sad again. So I get in the car to go back to Dad's and I call Owen asking him to hang out tonight whenever he's free. He says sometime between 11 and midnight and since it's already 10 and it takes a half hour to get home that I don't want to go out driving again. And so I'm crying harder. And I can't see anything, just blurriness. I'm thinking I'm glad it's night because no one can see me and I can tell where other people are because of the lights. Then I'm about to get off the freeway where I normally get off and I call him again saying I need to see you tonight and it doesn't matter what time it is. Because this time I know why I'm crying. I'm thinking we're going to have to break up or take a break while his brother is here because I can't handle this level of unlove. And I didn't want to do that hence the crying. So he says he's at the grocery store parking lot downtown and can I come pick him up please since I just got off at the exit. Because he doesn't even know how I always get home :/ Probably because he never goes home with me (again :( ). Anyways. So I go and pick him up and there's these two other kids there that are mutual friends but mostly his I guess but I don't know them very well. My grandma calls me and asks where I am. And even though I'm breathing normally she asks if everything is ok. And I said yes, well no, can we talk about it tomorrow I'm meeting my boyfriend like now. So I get out of the car and meet up with them. And the girl asks are you ok? Because I look like shit. And I said uh...no. And I start with silent tears this time and my boyfriend says ok well we should go. So he takes forever getting into the car and of course there's this group of college guys just chilling outside of their cars across from my car and I'm dreading that they will actually get into their cars and turn their lights on and see me with my pathetic tear face. We leave first thankfully. We drive to his house. And we just sit in the car for a while and he asks why I'm crying and I say it feels like I'm losing him because he doesn't want to be with me as much lately and not loving me as much and maybe we should take a break. He says no right away because "breaks never work out." And he says I think I know what you mean. We shouldn't see each other every day. And have break days to "prepare ourselves for college." Which I just start to think as really fucked up because it's still not what I want. That day was a Thursday. We saw each other the next day for a party with my friends. Saturday we were together again for a thing that was already planned. Sunday was this arcade game thing that was awesome and an awkward party that we were practically the only guests. And Monday was the first break day. I didn't get out of my grandparent's bed all day and I watched 9 episodes of sex and the city from hbo on demand which was fun because it's a fun show but not fun because it was so depressing and I was being super pathetic. And the next break day was bad but not nearly as bad. And they're slowly getting better.

So that week before when I was really depressed. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And I realized that I didn't have anything I like to do that's not with him. Or that I generally don't like anything and I could just sit watching movies all the time with him which is what we do mostly. especially when we don't have any money.

Now it seems totally unimportant but I lied to one of my friends and put my boyfriend first. Bad self.

I got closer with another friendship when she called. She needed me and I ditched my boyfriend for her. And it turns out that we have the same sort of fucked up relationships with our boyfriends which is nice to know there's someone else out there feeling the pain I feel sometimes. Her situation is a little worse than mine though which makes me feel so much better.

So here I am in Boston. I still don't have a job back home in California.

Nine

20 April 2010

Last Tuesday was one of the worst days of my life. School sucked. I went over to my boyfriend's house. I had absolutely no fun. It was 4-20 so he smoked which pissed me off. I had to suffer through my mom's house for extra morning hours of death. And after school at my boyfriend's I couldn't feel anything. I don't know if I've ever had a more miserable time with him. It really freaked me out actually. And then I started to question myself--Do I really love him... etc. That question has been stuck in my mind. The more I think about it the less I can feel it. That in turn makes me sad and stressed. Add a big project and some PMS into the mix and you have a seriously hormonal person. Whatever. That day it felt like something was wrong. So I'm about to leave to go visit with my great grandma since my great grandpa is on his deathbed and my grandma calls me and tells me he died that afternoon. Is it weird that my body knew it before my head did?

I saw my great grandma cry that day. And I made a bad joke saying they're killing me at school with all the homework they give out... I've always thought that people didn't think before they spoke but that just came out and as I walked down the stairs I was talking out loud trying to console myself. It failed. I'm still so embarrassed from that. I've been trying not to think about it.

I went over to my boyfriend's house to apologize to his mom for being rude. She was trying to talk to me while my grandma was telling me that my grandpa died and i shushed her rather harshly. I brought her eggs. We drank tea and I talked about my dad and his alcoholism and how my grandma is really cool and she saw the future in her dreams when she was small blah blah blah. I also learned quite a bit about her. She kept (or still does) a journal. She told me why she joined the air force. She told me how much in love her husband is with her (or used to be).

Side note: on Friday I saw my boyfriend's dad nearly scream at him and looking so angry like he was going to beat him. His mom has absolutely no control over that and I felt invisible.

Back: She said while she lived in Germany he wrote her a letter a day for two years. She's convinced her son is that crazy about me but I'm not so sure. Every time this comes up I feel like it's just a self-pity party. It's miserable. Nearly every day I look at him and think he doesn't love me. Every day he tells me I'm stupid for thinking this. I think either he will get annoyed with it so bad he'll break up with me or just stop trying to convince me and I'll convince myself he doesn't and feel even more miserable.

I keep saying I'm miserable and I'm not. Yesterday was awesome. I went over to his house in the morning and we had our own little make-out sesh on his bed. The same after school. And school didn't suck. I'm convinced it was because I had a decent breakfast. I never eat a good breakfast really.

I woke up at 6:07 this morning in a freak out that I didn't turn on my alarm. So I had to get out of bed in the middle of my dream and turn it on since it's across the room. It was a bright light by then which was strange I guess just since when I've woken up then during the winter it's been dark. It doesn't even matter. I was having a dream when I woke up:

We heard that my grandpa died. We went to see how my grandma was doing up at the farm. We walked through the house to the sitting room and out the back window beyond the goat pen we could see this war going on. Everyone had bayonets and was wearing gray uniforms with yellow tassels and riding horses. I went out to see. I started walking down this dirt road to get closer to the battlefield and my grandma said that this amazing horse was about to come along. So I stood there in the middle of the road and waited. All sorts of animals were running past me--dogs, cats, deer, horses--all of them were black in color. Then this red stallion that looked like a cartoon started charging at me and passed me. I turned around to get a better look and all I could see was my grandparent's house.

Seven

I went to see my boyfriend climb today. I was there originally to be a model for my friend and her photography thing. The pictures on the little screen of the camera looked amazing. I'm not embarrassed at all which is a little weird just because I usually hate pictures of myself.

It was crazy when even though he was with one of his friends and I was with one of mine, he was so happy. And when he looked at me I felt so connected with him. There were so many people there but it felt like it was only the two of us. It was awesome. We've just been so connected lately.

I was reading this blog called Faking It today and it actually made me kinda sad about the future. It's hard for me to see that I could be married. Don't get me wrong... I want to get married and have kids or adopt or whatever... clearly I don't want that right now... I'm only 18 after all... But then I don't want to turn out like my stepmom who is almost 42 and never had any human kids of her own even though she would've been a great mother... She does have a dog and maybe that thing is so spoiled.

I should stop planning my life out like this. It happens when it happens, right?

Four

Today I learned my boyfriend has a complete trust in me.
One of his good friends I learned... and I knew since late December... has this crazy crush on me. I tried to push it out of my mind because he said it wasn't me. Now I feel like an idiot. And I should have known this weekend when we touched on accident. I felt like he looked at me in a more than friends way. I should have known when he told me that my boyfriend doesn't respect me. I should've known when he picked at every little thing. I should've known when he told me I'm pretty.
I wish he didn't try to bring that up with me today. I wish I wasn't in denial. I wish I didn't lead him on. I wish he didn't post how shitty his life has become on Facebook four times in less than six hours. Is he trying to rub it in?
Back to the boyfriend... He didn't even want to hear details. Then he said he had to go eat dinner instead of talking to me about something important. Now he just texts me because he has homework... which I suppose is better than normal when he doesn't text me at all while he's doing his homework.
I was crying before I called him. It's not a big deal I guess because it was only a few tears. Now I just miss him.
He texted me first. So I feel a bit better.