Ten

Ok... I know it's been a while. And a lot has happened. I've had a bunch of crazy dreams. I got a B- in the worst class ever. And that's a good grade for that class. My boyfriend and I had our 1 year anniversary which was really nice. My family has been nagging me about getting a job and signing up for school. My uncle and my aunt, who I don't like as much, think I should dump my boyfriend. Oh wait that was a joke--ya right. I freaked out for two weeks about being pregnant. and then I got my period. Turns out I just had this thing called PMDD, or so I like to think since I diagnosed myself. I made mistakes in some friendships and really good not mistakes in others. I'm currently visiting my sister in Boston.

So our one year. We hung out at my house and at his. We watched TrueBlood. I love that show. And then my grandparents left to go to a movie. Probably not the best sex we ever had.

(Removed because it felt inappropriate.) Since I was the one that broke the refrigerator. His dad is super pissed about that still apparently even thought it happened like a year ago and its practically fixed with a piece of duct tape.

So we went out to dinner at a fondue place. It's really dingy and has bad lighting. And you can see the wires. We got this cool kind of fondue though. I always forget what it's called, but it was better than the garlic one.

So I guess my family nagging about my job and getting into school was really stressful. Add that to regular PMS. Add that to my boyfriend not being around as much because his brother is here. Add that to me starting to think he doesn't want me anymore so I should just dump him. Add that to not talking to my best friend about him because she says she doesn't like him.

Pause.

So I get this letter in my mailbox one day near the beginning of summer break. It's from my best friend. It says she's worried about me. It says she doesn't like my boyfriend for similar reasons to why I didn't like one of her exes. She thinks I haven't been doing as well in school because of him when her perfect relationship allowed her to have better grades. And not just last year but for this year going to school in the fall I haven't done anything. So she thinks my relationship with him is toxic. And it ends with you know I love you I'm just trying to help.

OKGO.

So from the letter it felt like I couldn't talk to her because then she would shut down. because I did try. Like I could take the smile off her face with mention of his name. So then I couldn't call her during my most depressed week where I would cry every night even when I was with him. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. And he would get frustrated whenever I started crying. I couldn't put exactly why I was crying when I started. Sometimes it would get better. And other times it would get a lot worse especially when he wouldn't kiss me. All that week it felt like he wasn't loving me enough and I needed his kisses to make me feel loved. With his brother there he didn't have enough time for me. One night I had to babysit for my mom. I cried on the way over to her house. And she didn't notice when I walked in the door although I didn't want her to. It just made me feel worse. Three miserable hours later even though I was watching one of my favorite shows. Mad Men. I thought I saw the last episode on the disc and there was still another one. Which was dumb and made me sad again. So I get in the car to go back to Dad's and I call Owen asking him to hang out tonight whenever he's free. He says sometime between 11 and midnight and since it's already 10 and it takes a half hour to get home that I don't want to go out driving again. And so I'm crying harder. And I can't see anything, just blurriness. I'm thinking I'm glad it's night because no one can see me and I can tell where other people are because of the lights. Then I'm about to get off the freeway where I normally get off and I call him again saying I need to see you tonight and it doesn't matter what time it is. Because this time I know why I'm crying. I'm thinking we're going to have to break up or take a break while his brother is here because I can't handle this level of unlove. And I didn't want to do that hence the crying. So he says he's at the grocery store parking lot downtown and can I come pick him up please since I just got off at the exit. Because he doesn't even know how I always get home :/ Probably because he never goes home with me (again :( ). Anyways. So I go and pick him up and there's these two other kids there that are mutual friends but mostly his I guess but I don't know them very well. My grandma calls me and asks where I am. And even though I'm breathing normally she asks if everything is ok. And I said yes, well no, can we talk about it tomorrow I'm meeting my boyfriend like now. So I get out of the car and meet up with them. And the girl asks are you ok? Because I look like shit. And I said uh...no. And I start with silent tears this time and my boyfriend says ok well we should go. So he takes forever getting into the car and of course there's this group of college guys just chilling outside of their cars across from my car and I'm dreading that they will actually get into their cars and turn their lights on and see me with my pathetic tear face. We leave first thankfully. We drive to his house. And we just sit in the car for a while and he asks why I'm crying and I say it feels like I'm losing him because he doesn't want to be with me as much lately and not loving me as much and maybe we should take a break. He says no right away because "breaks never work out." And he says I think I know what you mean. We shouldn't see each other every day. And have break days to "prepare ourselves for college." Which I just start to think as really fucked up because it's still not what I want. That day was a Thursday. We saw each other the next day for a party with my friends. Saturday we were together again for a thing that was already planned. Sunday was this arcade game thing that was awesome and an awkward party that we were practically the only guests. And Monday was the first break day. I didn't get out of my grandparent's bed all day and I watched 9 episodes of sex and the city from hbo on demand which was fun because it's a fun show but not fun because it was so depressing and I was being super pathetic. And the next break day was bad but not nearly as bad. And they're slowly getting better.

So that week before when I was really depressed. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And I realized that I didn't have anything I like to do that's not with him. Or that I generally don't like anything and I could just sit watching movies all the time with him which is what we do mostly. especially when we don't have any money.

Now it seems totally unimportant but I lied to one of my friends and put my boyfriend first. Bad self.

I got closer with another friendship when she called. She needed me and I ditched my boyfriend for her. And it turns out that we have the same sort of fucked up relationships with our boyfriends which is nice to know there's someone else out there feeling the pain I feel sometimes. Her situation is a little worse than mine though which makes me feel so much better.

So here I am in Boston. I still don't have a job back home in California.