Last Tuesday was one of the worst days of my life. School sucked. I went over to my boyfriend's house. I had absolutely no fun. It was 4-20 so he smoked which pissed me off. I had to suffer through my mom's house for extra morning hours of death. And after school at my boyfriend's I couldn't feel anything. I don't know if I've ever had a more miserable time with him. It really freaked me out actually. And then I started to question myself--Do I really love him... etc. That question has been stuck in my mind. The more I think about it the less I can feel it. That in turn makes me sad and stressed. Add a big project and some PMS into the mix and you have a seriously hormonal person. Whatever. That day it felt like something was wrong. So I'm about to leave to go visit with my great grandma since my great grandpa is on his deathbed and my grandma calls me and tells me he died that afternoon. Is it weird that my body knew it before my head did?
I saw my great grandma cry that day. And I made a bad joke saying they're killing me at school with all the homework they give out... I've always thought that people didn't think before they spoke but that just came out and as I walked down the stairs I was talking out loud trying to console myself. It failed. I'm still so embarrassed from that. I've been trying not to think about it.
I went over to my boyfriend's house to apologize to his mom for being rude. She was trying to talk to me while my grandma was telling me that my grandpa died and i shushed her rather harshly. I brought her eggs. We drank tea and I talked about my dad and his alcoholism and how my grandma is really cool and she saw the future in her dreams when she was small blah blah blah. I also learned quite a bit about her. She kept (or still does) a journal. She told me why she joined the air force. She told me how much in love her husband is with her (or used to be).
Side note: on Friday I saw my boyfriend's dad nearly scream at him and looking so angry like he was going to beat him. His mom has absolutely no control over that and I felt invisible.
Back: She said while she lived in Germany he wrote her a letter a day for two years. She's convinced her son is that crazy about me but I'm not so sure. Every time this comes up I feel like it's just a self-pity party. It's miserable. Nearly every day I look at him and think he doesn't love me. Every day he tells me I'm stupid for thinking this. I think either he will get annoyed with it so bad he'll break up with me or just stop trying to convince me and I'll convince myself he doesn't and feel even more miserable.
I keep saying I'm miserable and I'm not. Yesterday was awesome. I went over to his house in the morning and we had our own little make-out sesh on his bed. The same after school. And school didn't suck. I'm convinced it was because I had a decent breakfast. I never eat a good breakfast really.
I woke up at 6:07 this morning in a freak out that I didn't turn on my alarm. So I had to get out of bed in the middle of my dream and turn it on since it's across the room. It was a bright light by then which was strange I guess just since when I've woken up then during the winter it's been dark. It doesn't even matter. I was having a dream when I woke up:
We heard that my grandpa died. We went to see how my grandma was doing up at the farm. We walked through the house to the sitting room and out the back window beyond the goat pen we could see this war going on. Everyone had bayonets and was wearing gray uniforms with yellow tassels and riding horses. I went out to see. I started walking down this dirt road to get closer to the battlefield and my grandma said that this amazing horse was about to come along. So I stood there in the middle of the road and waited. All sorts of animals were running past me--dogs, cats, deer, horses--all of them were black in color. Then this red stallion that looked like a cartoon started charging at me and passed me. I turned around to get a better look and all I could see was my grandparent's house.
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