twenty-four

Even though I knew I was at the right place at the right time for two and a half hours, it turned out I didn't need to be there. And there ended up being this weird level of embarrassment that made me feel sick. And then I was just frustrated for being somewhere for too long when I could have been home doing something useful like homework. So of course I got home an hour ago and I still haven't done any more homework.

twenty-three

In under a week I've had three horrible dreams. In the first I got lost and then was raped. And that sounds bad but there wasn't really anything scary other than I woke up breathing really hard. I'm just glad my boyfriend was next to me when I woke up. He held me tight when I asked him. I was only able to sleep after ten minutes of him calming me down. But it was comical the next day. I remember the rapist talking to himself and he said something about downward dog. Which would be really hard for anyone to be in that position having sex.

The second dream there was an apocalypse. Not officially but there was a thing with gum and it was like a magnet for people. And people got sick off it. And then I felt like I was the only person alive.

The last one I was driving down this street. And then my boyfriend and I saw ducklings. So we stopped. And I was trying to put them in my trunk. In my "dream" car. A hatchback. And they kept jumping out. And then this guy was there trying to steal my car.

The weird thing is that I can explain the apocalypse one because I've been thinking about how zombies are scary and that is how the world would end. And how I wouldn't make it.

I'm just tired of the bad dreams. They can stop now. Thanks.

twenty-two

Last semester there was a foreign exchange student in my chemistry class from Vietnam. And knowing that Vietnam was once a French colony I was excited to maybe speak French with someone who could actually speak French. So I asked him if he could and he looked at me funny. And I said well it's a legitimate question seeing how France once had control over Vietnam and I guess he had never heard of this. So today in my French class I felt bad for assuming he knew French because there was this war of independence from the French. And Vietnamese nationalists I guess went into houses and yelled "Feu!" and if people jumped up scared then they were killed. Why wasn't I taught this in high school?

twenty-one

Right now I'm having a really hard time deciding what to do. I go to community college and I've already thrown out two majors. The first was engineering because I really want to work with water. It's so interesting to me to see the cleaning processes as well as retrieval of water in California. (If you didn't know, socal isn't supposed to have so many people and they pay lots of money to ship their water in from norcal.) This idea of water made me want to go into alternative ways to get water. And I suppose I could still follow this path because water will be scarce in the future with aquifers being depleted along with the increase of population. Anyways so my first college math course of Calculus was no good. Since I had taken Pre-calculus in high school I assumed I would be prepared. No. Once my teacher started talking about limits I already had no idea what I was doing. So I got a "W" (for withdraw) and then I took Pre-calculus over the summer. Still no mention of limits. And then my boyfriend is taking the class this semester and they introduce limits there. Seriously?

My second plan was Marine Biology. It would be a great end goal of studying squid or sea anemones. And so first to ruin the plan was my cousin who also wanted to do that which is annoying because his parents rub it in my dad's face, and mine too, that their kids are so much better than my dad's. So no matter what if we did the same thing, my cousin would just be better. But whatever right? People change their majors all the time. And since he was only becoming a senior in high school, what did he know? So I'll stick with my thing and hope he changes to something else. So then I learned I needed Calculus. And by this time, a year later, I knew people I could talk to. I told myself I would actually do the homework that was assigned. I would learn it damn it. So of course one week prior to the start of spring semester, I chickened out. Or maybe it was just that the next three semesters looked bleak. And seriously... Who wants to go to school every day for a year and a half plus not liking a single one of your classes? I mean you would think that I would like biology if I was going to major in it. But I don't.

So I stopped that plan as well. So I dropped all those classes I hadn't even started and instead took things I wanted. So of course this semester I actually enjoy going to school. (Or at least I would if I liked one of my professors... stupid mythology...) So I'm taking three fun classes and one designed to get me to exercise. I love my French class. The second class I enjoy is sociology. It is a really depressing course but I've found all the concepts really interesting. The last class I thought would be fun and I only now know that it's not: mythology. Now I know that I only enjoy classical mythology, at least The Odyssey and the nicer stories you hear from the ancient Greeks. For example, we read the story of Demeter and Persephone where Persephone gets taken to the underworld by Hades and it results in the seasons. But my class had to ruin the story saying that it's a story about rape. Please stop. And I guess solely because it's a college course, we have to read texts by actual people. So it ruined the Norse myths too. Also it's a bad teacher. The point is, now I know not to take mythology.

Well the real point is that now I have no major really. I keep thinking that I should continue to do marine bio but now it feels too late. But I also keep coming back to language. Fall semester I'll take French and German and I'm really excited about those. I also want to take psychology again (first time was in high school when I didn't give a shit). Maybe I can skip the intro class and do something more interesting. Because there was a lot I didn't find interesting. And I want to take the next sociology class. So that's the plan. I don't really know what my options are but taking the classes I actually like feels like the next step.

In sociology we talked about female circumcision. I've known what it is for a while now but it seriously needs a new name. Or maybe the United States is still too sexist to give a horrible name to a horrible thing.

Twenty

I'm watching people trying to give away stuff and it feels like everything they can't let go. I hope I'm not like that when I'm older. It's painful when you think of everything as a memory that you don't want to lose. Is every memory that important?

Nineteen

So today was really good. I learned my boyfriend did the best in his class on a midterm (so awesome!!) and we went out to my favorite Mexican place because they have these amazing bean burritos. Also it's in our price range (so awesome!!!). And it has good other things. And then I knitted for a long time today. Although I didn't see my soulmate so that was sad.

This weekend just burned me out. I hate hotels. And I love being back in my bed.

I started reading The Help and when I'm trying to go to sleep the vernacular in the book is hard to read. I have to almost say the words aloud to understand what they mean. Like law = lord. That one took the longest.

Also my boobs hurt. And I'm not sure why. I wish they didn't. I wish I wasn't so tired.

I miss my soulmate's kitty.

Eighteen

I'm so frustrated right now with the world. More specifically my boyfriend's dad. The ruiner of good things. I could just scream. Except if you see me I'm so calm. What is going on. So the screaming... My boyfriend has a brother. Who went to Hawaii with his mom and dad. They were there for his spring break and it was really nice. Blah blah blah. They come back. His mom and I are knitting and she tells me about this dress she tried on while they were there. One of those wear it a million ways. And she's telling me all the reasons she didn't buy it. It's silk so it could get runs in it super easy. And it shows her ankles and she doesn't like her ankles. Plus she would never wear it. So then she's bringing out gifts for me and my boyfriend and she's all excited to give me stuff. And she gets to the bottom of this big bag of things and is all Mr. Last Name! Did you get this for me?! Oh my god did you get this for me? No response. Brother? Oh my gosh. Brother! Etc etc... And this lasts for half an hour of her freaking out and the brother is trying to console her. And the dad is being all calm. Mom is telling Brother that he shouldn't have spent so much money. 150$. Whoa there Bessie. Honestly he's in the Air Force Academy. Graduating this year. They pay him to go there. And this kid doesn't spend his money on anything. Only this year he spent some because he finally was able to drive off campus with a car. Anyways. He has lots of money. And I think it's soooo sweet that he bought something nice for his mom who clearly wanted the damn dress. So it's nice.

Later she and I are just knitting some more. And I hear Mr. Last Name saying that's way too much money. You should jot be spending that much money blah blah blah. And Brother says well I have five thousand dollars in my account and it just sits there. Etc. Then Mr. Last Name starts on son #2, my boyfriend, and says your brother sandbagged your mom twice this year. You need to catch up.

And I just want to scream ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?! Seriously... This was so nice that Brother did something so sweet for his mom. Now my boyfriend doesn't have a job. Plays video games all the time. Goes to community college. Doesn't get paid for that. Doesn't have a job. (Right now I don't care that he doesn't have a job. He just needs to get good grades so we can go away to a four year college. I just want him to get accepted dammit!) And he's finally getting halfway decent grades. Considering he tried to fail high school... Both boys are in completely different places. Two years apart in school. Different levels of maturity. Different goals in life. Different lives growing up. The older listens to the dad and does things the dad wants. And the younger one, the one that's mine, does everything on his own. He doesn't listen to anyone. Barely even me. The two are different Fucking people.

I just know that when I'm a parent I want my kids to be recognized as different people. And I want to raise them as such.

Also I would like to commend my boyfriend for not taking this bullshit. Too much pressure.