Nine

20 April 2010

Last Tuesday was one of the worst days of my life. School sucked. I went over to my boyfriend's house. I had absolutely no fun. It was 4-20 so he smoked which pissed me off. I had to suffer through my mom's house for extra morning hours of death. And after school at my boyfriend's I couldn't feel anything. I don't know if I've ever had a more miserable time with him. It really freaked me out actually. And then I started to question myself--Do I really love him... etc. That question has been stuck in my mind. The more I think about it the less I can feel it. That in turn makes me sad and stressed. Add a big project and some PMS into the mix and you have a seriously hormonal person. Whatever. That day it felt like something was wrong. So I'm about to leave to go visit with my great grandma since my great grandpa is on his deathbed and my grandma calls me and tells me he died that afternoon. Is it weird that my body knew it before my head did?

I saw my great grandma cry that day. And I made a bad joke saying they're killing me at school with all the homework they give out... I've always thought that people didn't think before they spoke but that just came out and as I walked down the stairs I was talking out loud trying to console myself. It failed. I'm still so embarrassed from that. I've been trying not to think about it.

I went over to my boyfriend's house to apologize to his mom for being rude. She was trying to talk to me while my grandma was telling me that my grandpa died and i shushed her rather harshly. I brought her eggs. We drank tea and I talked about my dad and his alcoholism and how my grandma is really cool and she saw the future in her dreams when she was small blah blah blah. I also learned quite a bit about her. She kept (or still does) a journal. She told me why she joined the air force. She told me how much in love her husband is with her (or used to be).

Side note: on Friday I saw my boyfriend's dad nearly scream at him and looking so angry like he was going to beat him. His mom has absolutely no control over that and I felt invisible.

Back: She said while she lived in Germany he wrote her a letter a day for two years. She's convinced her son is that crazy about me but I'm not so sure. Every time this comes up I feel like it's just a self-pity party. It's miserable. Nearly every day I look at him and think he doesn't love me. Every day he tells me I'm stupid for thinking this. I think either he will get annoyed with it so bad he'll break up with me or just stop trying to convince me and I'll convince myself he doesn't and feel even more miserable.

I keep saying I'm miserable and I'm not. Yesterday was awesome. I went over to his house in the morning and we had our own little make-out sesh on his bed. The same after school. And school didn't suck. I'm convinced it was because I had a decent breakfast. I never eat a good breakfast really.

I woke up at 6:07 this morning in a freak out that I didn't turn on my alarm. So I had to get out of bed in the middle of my dream and turn it on since it's across the room. It was a bright light by then which was strange I guess just since when I've woken up then during the winter it's been dark. It doesn't even matter. I was having a dream when I woke up:

We heard that my grandpa died. We went to see how my grandma was doing up at the farm. We walked through the house to the sitting room and out the back window beyond the goat pen we could see this war going on. Everyone had bayonets and was wearing gray uniforms with yellow tassels and riding horses. I went out to see. I started walking down this dirt road to get closer to the battlefield and my grandma said that this amazing horse was about to come along. So I stood there in the middle of the road and waited. All sorts of animals were running past me--dogs, cats, deer, horses--all of them were black in color. Then this red stallion that looked like a cartoon started charging at me and passed me. I turned around to get a better look and all I could see was my grandparent's house.

Eight

April 12-19

Once upon a time there was a tiger. He loved a girl. But she wouldn't have anything to do with him. He stalked her like she was prey and she pretended not to notice.

Monday: I told my boyfriend today that we wouldn't hang out after school all week.

One day he told her, "I'm going out to find the most beautiful thing and bring it back to you. I hope with this gift you would give me a chance."
"I'll think about it," she said.

He looked hurt.

He left after that to begin right away. He started in a marshy swamp thing. Lots of bacteria and cattails and birds and bugs. Nothing right.

Tuesday: I couldn't do it. I went over to his house.

The grasslands were boring. Ponds were full of scum. Cities only looked nice at night and what could you bring from that? A picture? Pictures are only for memories and that wouldn't do since you can't just share a memory like that... psh... pictures...

I suck in my mind. I'm also teaching him bad things that I give in.

The deserts were full of lots of nothing. Too hot in the day, too cold at night. I'll remember to never move here, he thought.

Wednesday: I wasn't even going to bother to continue with my original plan. I gave up completely.

The tiger tried the great oceans, the ice, the mountains, and the forests. The oceans had beautiful fish but he felt like they were too showy and touristic. The ice was too bright and the polar bears too invisible. The mountains were a perfect place to climb but... goats were too many and he never spotted the famous snow leopard which was sad because he thought they would be such chill friends. The forests were full of tall trees. They would've been perfect if they weren't so attached to the ground. The ones that weren't attached were too heavy and dead and not majestic any more.

Thursday: I think I'm an awful person. It feels as if he's looking at me wrong. He's seeing into me and seeing how much I'm hating myself.

The tiger felt like he had tried everywhere on earth and became sad. He tried the afterlife as a last resort. Who knew how he got there. He saw the fallen gods of Greece who no one believes in. The goddesses were beautiful, especially Aphrodite. He tried to drag her away but she didn't want to leave Hephaestus. The tiger thought nothing can be more beautiful than love like that until he noticed that she sleeps with everyone else and Hephaestus doesn't notice. What a sad way to live in death for both of them, he thought. The tiger's depression worsened and he moved on to the heroes. His eye caught on Helen until he noticed she's still being warred over and gave up straightaway. I guess home is the only place left, he thought sadly.

Friday: I've given up caring. It's time to party.

He drug his feet on his way home because he knew that his hands full of nothing would get a not a chance from the girl he loves. She saw him come home and watched him avoid eye contact. He woke early the next day and found her at the local watering hole. He tried to pretend like he didn't see her. She tried to talk with him but he is ashamed and ignored her advances. He turned his back on her. She cried all day on the bank. The watering hole grew twice in size. It started to rain. She sat moping in the middle. She thought about him every day when he was gone on his trip. She worried that he was dead. Her face lit up when she saw that he was home the day before and when he didn't bound over to her she thought he had a secret. But after their meeting or non meeting that day at the watering hole she felt like she had a rip in her heart. She gave up moping with a plan. She hunted him down, pounced, and tied a bandanna around his eyes as a blindfold. She dragged him along to her favorite place. When she removed the blindfold, his eyes teared up as he looked the tree up and down and said, "This is perfect."

Seven

I went to see my boyfriend climb today. I was there originally to be a model for my friend and her photography thing. The pictures on the little screen of the camera looked amazing. I'm not embarrassed at all which is a little weird just because I usually hate pictures of myself.

It was crazy when even though he was with one of his friends and I was with one of mine, he was so happy. And when he looked at me I felt so connected with him. There were so many people there but it felt like it was only the two of us. It was awesome. We've just been so connected lately.

I was reading this blog called Faking It today and it actually made me kinda sad about the future. It's hard for me to see that I could be married. Don't get me wrong... I want to get married and have kids or adopt or whatever... clearly I don't want that right now... I'm only 18 after all... But then I don't want to turn out like my stepmom who is almost 42 and never had any human kids of her own even though she would've been a great mother... She does have a dog and maybe that thing is so spoiled.

I should stop planning my life out like this. It happens when it happens, right?

Six

My grandmother is driving me crazy today. She said the one good thing about having two fucked up parents is that I can defend myself and then she changed it to two, be independent. I don't feel independent. My mom didn't give me enough space until my last birthday and woohoo for that one... Now I attend a lot of "movies at the theater" just to be with my boyfriend until midnight. That's what you call fun. It's just the beginnings of my lies to my mother. I lie to her about so many other things and they all involve him which is amazing. There will be more in the future when I get to sneak over to his house or him over to mine which would be pretty awesome. Anyways, tangent, I've never heard her call my mom fucked up before. And she definitely said fucked up not screwed up... she's 68... The mouth of that woman lately... she said shit while my 7 year old sister was here and she didn't even notice that slipped out of her mouth... I'm tired of being over here with her spending so much time with her. Maybe it's hormones... my boobs are starting to hurt like I'll be getting my period next week or something... I wish I could remember when I last had it so I would know...

Randomly: I suggest listening to Very Busy People by The Limousines. Or Crazy Angel by Kill Hannah.

Five

I found myself fishing for compliments today. It was about my hair. And yes, it looked horrible. And I know only a best friend can say yes it does and still go out to coffee with me. It must be love.

Four

Today I learned my boyfriend has a complete trust in me.
One of his good friends I learned... and I knew since late December... has this crazy crush on me. I tried to push it out of my mind because he said it wasn't me. Now I feel like an idiot. And I should have known this weekend when we touched on accident. I felt like he looked at me in a more than friends way. I should have known when he told me that my boyfriend doesn't respect me. I should've known when he picked at every little thing. I should've known when he told me I'm pretty.
I wish he didn't try to bring that up with me today. I wish I wasn't in denial. I wish I didn't lead him on. I wish he didn't post how shitty his life has become on Facebook four times in less than six hours. Is he trying to rub it in?
Back to the boyfriend... He didn't even want to hear details. Then he said he had to go eat dinner instead of talking to me about something important. Now he just texts me because he has homework... which I suppose is better than normal when he doesn't text me at all while he's doing his homework.
I was crying before I called him. It's not a big deal I guess because it was only a few tears. Now I just miss him.
He texted me first. So I feel a bit better.

Three

There is one phrase I feel that I should use more often. I used it today when I got angry. And then it pissed me off because one of my exes used to say it instead of bull shit. (Although I guess he could still be using it.) Just so you know, the two aren't interchangeable. I hate that guy now just as I have for the past eleven months. It was a birthday present to myself to stop talking to him when I ended our post-break-up friendship. It embarrasses me that I like my ex-boyfriend's most memorable phrase. Fuck that.