Twelve

I wrote another story the other day. It's this cute love story, but I wrote it down nicely on this sheet of paper and it looks super nice and stuff and since it's not next to me right now, it's not getting on here.

Speaking of paper, I found this really depressing website on water use: http://environment.nationalgeographic.com/environment/freshwater/embedded-water/

So I just remembered about this story that I've been wanting to write about a person who goes to sleep at night and their dream world is a parallel universe. Basically that's all I've gotten in it because I haven't really thought about it too much. Well I've thought about it to the point where I can't decide if the parallel world is practically an apocalyptic world that appears like it does now but without people or if people should be there. And then I start to not care if it's either and then I stop thinking about it. The problem is also with the plot since there isn't one yet and I keep thinking of things but it would really depend on the population of the parallel world I guess. I've been thinking that the person just dies because they aren't getting enough sleep. There's another scenario where the person dies in one world, probably the parallel one and they either don't go back to this "same dream" or they travel to the parallel universe's afterlife. This recent idea of the afterlife is sounding more interesting and I'm actually thinking about pursuing it. So now I need a beginning point.

My other story had an afterlife in it too. It's more comical than this probably.

Chapter One

It was time to sleep again. I think about my day as I wash my face and brush my teeth. I didn't eat breakfast, went to class, had lunch, went to more class, went to the gym with Yolanda [name has been changed], had dinner, did homework, watched a movie, and now it's nearly midnight and time to go to sleep.
I've actually never understood the term sleep. For other people, from what I've been told, they go to bed and then are able to shut their eyes, feel like a short time passes, and wake up the next morning, sometimes having dreams, other times not having dreams. I've been told it can be refreshing. I guess that makes me not normal.
I don't dream like normal people do in the normal sense of dreaming. My sleep is a seven to ten hour day in another dimension. It's like a parallel world. People look the same with eyes, noses, mouths, cheeks, ears, hair, arms, legs, whatever. There are cars, paved roads, doctors, grocery stores, department stores, malls, dogs, cats, plants, mines, garbage dumps, rain forests, and even a Starbucks (or four huddled around the same intersection) just like the world you know. It seems to look the same. Here though, there are a lot less people, especially less elderly people. The only difference about here is that there isn't really such a thing as a hospital. I mean there is, but it's quite pessimistic. It's actually more of a place where you get a full body check-up. There are even dentists there. They're health care too, you know... Anyways, this hospital can't, or won't, I'm not sure, cure your terminal disease. They won't try to bring back a body without a heartbeat, cure chicken pox, or remove a tumor. I suppose it's possible the human race will live longer there without the imminent threat of a supervirus and there's generally less people there polluting the planet. Unsurprisingly, I've had a lot of friends there die.

I'm actually tired now, in real life so it will continue soon most likely.

Eleven

It's been a while again. I keep telling myself I need to write more to give myself something to do but I keep forgetting about my promises. And I keep hanging out with my boyfriend too much. So here I am at his house while he plays on his play station. He just got Super Street Fighter IV but he's mostly been playing the new Fallout. He dragged me to the midnight release of Fallout actually. That was dumb. We met with his friend who we call by his last name. I don't understand that actually, to call someone by their last name. He's an annoying kid. Usually the two of them go climbing and they're both guys. So it's not like they talk about much else other than rock climbing or video games. So this last name kid, he's currently addicted to Minecraft. Since I find absolutely no point to this game other than you're supposed to live, I don't play it. And he's one of the ones to go on the multiplayer games to try and help build some big thing. There are some cool stuff that have been built. But it's also totally pointless. Anyways, last name kid sounds like a loser, because he is one.

So I didn't start this post to talk about video games. I guess it's just on my mind since he's right here next to me playing them and Street Fighter has annoying sound effects so it doesn't really go away.

The real reason for this post started a couple years ago actually when I asked my dad's fiancee why she had so many home and garden magazines. And she introduced me to this idea of nesting. Now I've seen Juno (Jason Reitman) and I understand that nesting is a part of having a baby for a woman, how you have to ready your nest for your baby. But since she doesn't have any kids, it's almost depressing to watch her. [Pause]

It's 11:11 pm. Time to make a wish. And I wish my boyfriend didn't have such an asshole for a dad.

[OKGO] She doesn't have any kids, and she's 42 so it's pretty much too late. It's not as if she didn't want kids, she was just in a relationship that didn't work out when she was in her prime child-bearing years. That phrase is dumb--prime child-bearing years. So she focused on her work instead. And she's pretty high up now because of it. She's vice president or something which she's really proud of obviously. She's more of a feminist than I am.

A tangent from the current tangent: My dad thinks that there is only one degree of feminism and he thinks it's extreme. He thinks that feminists are all hardcore bra-burning women who believe that men shouldn't be in power and should be walked all over at every possible chance. He's wrong. End tangent.

So she is really cool since she doesn't have kids, but it's really sad that she doesn't at the same time. She's so in love with her nieces and nephews that you can just tell that she would have loved to have kids of her own. She spoils them so much. Instead she has a dog, which is fine, but the dog has become her child. She talks to her and the dog used to worship her but now that my dad is there full time, the dog loves him more since he takes her on walks while his fiancee is at work full time.

With nesting, she started introducing me to the idea when we went to an Anthropologie store. I love that place now. They have really nice clothes, all really cute, it's just too bad they're so expensive. She's gotten me a couple Christmas presents from there which have all been really cute. They also have a living section with plates and knobs and other knickknacks.

So she was the one to introduce me to home decor. Now I've been trying to make my room more my own. Now it's this really sick spring green color which I absolutely love. And I keep trying to find new cool stuff. I've found some really awesome things in Urban Outfitters. They have a home decor section as well. I was in there the other day and they have these matryoshka doll measuring cups. Those are the Russian dolls that fit inside each other. And there's six different cup sizes and three dolls. They're so cool I'm thinking about buying them for myself, just to be a decoration in the time being until I have my own kitchen. Christmas present to myself :)

And so this nesting thing has gone farther than just these material things AKA main point for writing this particular post. I keep having these ideas today about the future. My future life. I keep seeing my boyfriend in it. And we keep saying that we probably aren't going to last forever. We don't have this plan to get married or anything like that which is good since I don't want to be in that kind of serious relationship and he doesn't either. Everyone I've talked to finds this idea pretty odd since it's probably like what's the point of being in the relationship if you don't think you're going to get married. Which, honestly, I don't really care what they think about our relationship, because their opinion doesn't matter.

So my nesting thing. I keep thinking about having kids. And it all seems kinda soon and crazy. And now I don't remember where I was going so this is a little sad. But now I'm glad this whole idea isn't in my head anymore since I don't really want kids right now. Ok phew.

Ten

Ok... I know it's been a while. And a lot has happened. I've had a bunch of crazy dreams. I got a B- in the worst class ever. And that's a good grade for that class. My boyfriend and I had our 1 year anniversary which was really nice. My family has been nagging me about getting a job and signing up for school. My uncle and my aunt, who I don't like as much, think I should dump my boyfriend. Oh wait that was a joke--ya right. I freaked out for two weeks about being pregnant. and then I got my period. Turns out I just had this thing called PMDD, or so I like to think since I diagnosed myself. I made mistakes in some friendships and really good not mistakes in others. I'm currently visiting my sister in Boston.

So our one year. We hung out at my house and at his. We watched TrueBlood. I love that show. And then my grandparents left to go to a movie. Probably not the best sex we ever had.

(Removed because it felt inappropriate.) Since I was the one that broke the refrigerator. His dad is super pissed about that still apparently even thought it happened like a year ago and its practically fixed with a piece of duct tape.

So we went out to dinner at a fondue place. It's really dingy and has bad lighting. And you can see the wires. We got this cool kind of fondue though. I always forget what it's called, but it was better than the garlic one.

So I guess my family nagging about my job and getting into school was really stressful. Add that to regular PMS. Add that to my boyfriend not being around as much because his brother is here. Add that to me starting to think he doesn't want me anymore so I should just dump him. Add that to not talking to my best friend about him because she says she doesn't like him.

Pause.

So I get this letter in my mailbox one day near the beginning of summer break. It's from my best friend. It says she's worried about me. It says she doesn't like my boyfriend for similar reasons to why I didn't like one of her exes. She thinks I haven't been doing as well in school because of him when her perfect relationship allowed her to have better grades. And not just last year but for this year going to school in the fall I haven't done anything. So she thinks my relationship with him is toxic. And it ends with you know I love you I'm just trying to help.

OKGO.

So from the letter it felt like I couldn't talk to her because then she would shut down. because I did try. Like I could take the smile off her face with mention of his name. So then I couldn't call her during my most depressed week where I would cry every night even when I was with him. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. And he would get frustrated whenever I started crying. I couldn't put exactly why I was crying when I started. Sometimes it would get better. And other times it would get a lot worse especially when he wouldn't kiss me. All that week it felt like he wasn't loving me enough and I needed his kisses to make me feel loved. With his brother there he didn't have enough time for me. One night I had to babysit for my mom. I cried on the way over to her house. And she didn't notice when I walked in the door although I didn't want her to. It just made me feel worse. Three miserable hours later even though I was watching one of my favorite shows. Mad Men. I thought I saw the last episode on the disc and there was still another one. Which was dumb and made me sad again. So I get in the car to go back to Dad's and I call Owen asking him to hang out tonight whenever he's free. He says sometime between 11 and midnight and since it's already 10 and it takes a half hour to get home that I don't want to go out driving again. And so I'm crying harder. And I can't see anything, just blurriness. I'm thinking I'm glad it's night because no one can see me and I can tell where other people are because of the lights. Then I'm about to get off the freeway where I normally get off and I call him again saying I need to see you tonight and it doesn't matter what time it is. Because this time I know why I'm crying. I'm thinking we're going to have to break up or take a break while his brother is here because I can't handle this level of unlove. And I didn't want to do that hence the crying. So he says he's at the grocery store parking lot downtown and can I come pick him up please since I just got off at the exit. Because he doesn't even know how I always get home :/ Probably because he never goes home with me (again :( ). Anyways. So I go and pick him up and there's these two other kids there that are mutual friends but mostly his I guess but I don't know them very well. My grandma calls me and asks where I am. And even though I'm breathing normally she asks if everything is ok. And I said yes, well no, can we talk about it tomorrow I'm meeting my boyfriend like now. So I get out of the car and meet up with them. And the girl asks are you ok? Because I look like shit. And I said uh...no. And I start with silent tears this time and my boyfriend says ok well we should go. So he takes forever getting into the car and of course there's this group of college guys just chilling outside of their cars across from my car and I'm dreading that they will actually get into their cars and turn their lights on and see me with my pathetic tear face. We leave first thankfully. We drive to his house. And we just sit in the car for a while and he asks why I'm crying and I say it feels like I'm losing him because he doesn't want to be with me as much lately and not loving me as much and maybe we should take a break. He says no right away because "breaks never work out." And he says I think I know what you mean. We shouldn't see each other every day. And have break days to "prepare ourselves for college." Which I just start to think as really fucked up because it's still not what I want. That day was a Thursday. We saw each other the next day for a party with my friends. Saturday we were together again for a thing that was already planned. Sunday was this arcade game thing that was awesome and an awkward party that we were practically the only guests. And Monday was the first break day. I didn't get out of my grandparent's bed all day and I watched 9 episodes of sex and the city from hbo on demand which was fun because it's a fun show but not fun because it was so depressing and I was being super pathetic. And the next break day was bad but not nearly as bad. And they're slowly getting better.

So that week before when I was really depressed. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And I realized that I didn't have anything I like to do that's not with him. Or that I generally don't like anything and I could just sit watching movies all the time with him which is what we do mostly. especially when we don't have any money.

Now it seems totally unimportant but I lied to one of my friends and put my boyfriend first. Bad self.

I got closer with another friendship when she called. She needed me and I ditched my boyfriend for her. And it turns out that we have the same sort of fucked up relationships with our boyfriends which is nice to know there's someone else out there feeling the pain I feel sometimes. Her situation is a little worse than mine though which makes me feel so much better.

So here I am in Boston. I still don't have a job back home in California.

Nine

20 April 2010

Last Tuesday was one of the worst days of my life. School sucked. I went over to my boyfriend's house. I had absolutely no fun. It was 4-20 so he smoked which pissed me off. I had to suffer through my mom's house for extra morning hours of death. And after school at my boyfriend's I couldn't feel anything. I don't know if I've ever had a more miserable time with him. It really freaked me out actually. And then I started to question myself--Do I really love him... etc. That question has been stuck in my mind. The more I think about it the less I can feel it. That in turn makes me sad and stressed. Add a big project and some PMS into the mix and you have a seriously hormonal person. Whatever. That day it felt like something was wrong. So I'm about to leave to go visit with my great grandma since my great grandpa is on his deathbed and my grandma calls me and tells me he died that afternoon. Is it weird that my body knew it before my head did?

I saw my great grandma cry that day. And I made a bad joke saying they're killing me at school with all the homework they give out... I've always thought that people didn't think before they spoke but that just came out and as I walked down the stairs I was talking out loud trying to console myself. It failed. I'm still so embarrassed from that. I've been trying not to think about it.

I went over to my boyfriend's house to apologize to his mom for being rude. She was trying to talk to me while my grandma was telling me that my grandpa died and i shushed her rather harshly. I brought her eggs. We drank tea and I talked about my dad and his alcoholism and how my grandma is really cool and she saw the future in her dreams when she was small blah blah blah. I also learned quite a bit about her. She kept (or still does) a journal. She told me why she joined the air force. She told me how much in love her husband is with her (or used to be).

Side note: on Friday I saw my boyfriend's dad nearly scream at him and looking so angry like he was going to beat him. His mom has absolutely no control over that and I felt invisible.

Back: She said while she lived in Germany he wrote her a letter a day for two years. She's convinced her son is that crazy about me but I'm not so sure. Every time this comes up I feel like it's just a self-pity party. It's miserable. Nearly every day I look at him and think he doesn't love me. Every day he tells me I'm stupid for thinking this. I think either he will get annoyed with it so bad he'll break up with me or just stop trying to convince me and I'll convince myself he doesn't and feel even more miserable.

I keep saying I'm miserable and I'm not. Yesterday was awesome. I went over to his house in the morning and we had our own little make-out sesh on his bed. The same after school. And school didn't suck. I'm convinced it was because I had a decent breakfast. I never eat a good breakfast really.

I woke up at 6:07 this morning in a freak out that I didn't turn on my alarm. So I had to get out of bed in the middle of my dream and turn it on since it's across the room. It was a bright light by then which was strange I guess just since when I've woken up then during the winter it's been dark. It doesn't even matter. I was having a dream when I woke up:

We heard that my grandpa died. We went to see how my grandma was doing up at the farm. We walked through the house to the sitting room and out the back window beyond the goat pen we could see this war going on. Everyone had bayonets and was wearing gray uniforms with yellow tassels and riding horses. I went out to see. I started walking down this dirt road to get closer to the battlefield and my grandma said that this amazing horse was about to come along. So I stood there in the middle of the road and waited. All sorts of animals were running past me--dogs, cats, deer, horses--all of them were black in color. Then this red stallion that looked like a cartoon started charging at me and passed me. I turned around to get a better look and all I could see was my grandparent's house.

Eight

April 12-19

Once upon a time there was a tiger. He loved a girl. But she wouldn't have anything to do with him. He stalked her like she was prey and she pretended not to notice.

Monday: I told my boyfriend today that we wouldn't hang out after school all week.

One day he told her, "I'm going out to find the most beautiful thing and bring it back to you. I hope with this gift you would give me a chance."
"I'll think about it," she said.

He looked hurt.

He left after that to begin right away. He started in a marshy swamp thing. Lots of bacteria and cattails and birds and bugs. Nothing right.

Tuesday: I couldn't do it. I went over to his house.

The grasslands were boring. Ponds were full of scum. Cities only looked nice at night and what could you bring from that? A picture? Pictures are only for memories and that wouldn't do since you can't just share a memory like that... psh... pictures...

I suck in my mind. I'm also teaching him bad things that I give in.

The deserts were full of lots of nothing. Too hot in the day, too cold at night. I'll remember to never move here, he thought.

Wednesday: I wasn't even going to bother to continue with my original plan. I gave up completely.

The tiger tried the great oceans, the ice, the mountains, and the forests. The oceans had beautiful fish but he felt like they were too showy and touristic. The ice was too bright and the polar bears too invisible. The mountains were a perfect place to climb but... goats were too many and he never spotted the famous snow leopard which was sad because he thought they would be such chill friends. The forests were full of tall trees. They would've been perfect if they weren't so attached to the ground. The ones that weren't attached were too heavy and dead and not majestic any more.

Thursday: I think I'm an awful person. It feels as if he's looking at me wrong. He's seeing into me and seeing how much I'm hating myself.

The tiger felt like he had tried everywhere on earth and became sad. He tried the afterlife as a last resort. Who knew how he got there. He saw the fallen gods of Greece who no one believes in. The goddesses were beautiful, especially Aphrodite. He tried to drag her away but she didn't want to leave Hephaestus. The tiger thought nothing can be more beautiful than love like that until he noticed that she sleeps with everyone else and Hephaestus doesn't notice. What a sad way to live in death for both of them, he thought. The tiger's depression worsened and he moved on to the heroes. His eye caught on Helen until he noticed she's still being warred over and gave up straightaway. I guess home is the only place left, he thought sadly.

Friday: I've given up caring. It's time to party.

He drug his feet on his way home because he knew that his hands full of nothing would get a not a chance from the girl he loves. She saw him come home and watched him avoid eye contact. He woke early the next day and found her at the local watering hole. He tried to pretend like he didn't see her. She tried to talk with him but he is ashamed and ignored her advances. He turned his back on her. She cried all day on the bank. The watering hole grew twice in size. It started to rain. She sat moping in the middle. She thought about him every day when he was gone on his trip. She worried that he was dead. Her face lit up when she saw that he was home the day before and when he didn't bound over to her she thought he had a secret. But after their meeting or non meeting that day at the watering hole she felt like she had a rip in her heart. She gave up moping with a plan. She hunted him down, pounced, and tied a bandanna around his eyes as a blindfold. She dragged him along to her favorite place. When she removed the blindfold, his eyes teared up as he looked the tree up and down and said, "This is perfect."

Seven

I went to see my boyfriend climb today. I was there originally to be a model for my friend and her photography thing. The pictures on the little screen of the camera looked amazing. I'm not embarrassed at all which is a little weird just because I usually hate pictures of myself.

It was crazy when even though he was with one of his friends and I was with one of mine, he was so happy. And when he looked at me I felt so connected with him. There were so many people there but it felt like it was only the two of us. It was awesome. We've just been so connected lately.

I was reading this blog called Faking It today and it actually made me kinda sad about the future. It's hard for me to see that I could be married. Don't get me wrong... I want to get married and have kids or adopt or whatever... clearly I don't want that right now... I'm only 18 after all... But then I don't want to turn out like my stepmom who is almost 42 and never had any human kids of her own even though she would've been a great mother... She does have a dog and maybe that thing is so spoiled.

I should stop planning my life out like this. It happens when it happens, right?

Six

My grandmother is driving me crazy today. She said the one good thing about having two fucked up parents is that I can defend myself and then she changed it to two, be independent. I don't feel independent. My mom didn't give me enough space until my last birthday and woohoo for that one... Now I attend a lot of "movies at the theater" just to be with my boyfriend until midnight. That's what you call fun. It's just the beginnings of my lies to my mother. I lie to her about so many other things and they all involve him which is amazing. There will be more in the future when I get to sneak over to his house or him over to mine which would be pretty awesome. Anyways, tangent, I've never heard her call my mom fucked up before. And she definitely said fucked up not screwed up... she's 68... The mouth of that woman lately... she said shit while my 7 year old sister was here and she didn't even notice that slipped out of her mouth... I'm tired of being over here with her spending so much time with her. Maybe it's hormones... my boobs are starting to hurt like I'll be getting my period next week or something... I wish I could remember when I last had it so I would know...

Randomly: I suggest listening to Very Busy People by The Limousines. Or Crazy Angel by Kill Hannah.

Five

I found myself fishing for compliments today. It was about my hair. And yes, it looked horrible. And I know only a best friend can say yes it does and still go out to coffee with me. It must be love.

Four

Today I learned my boyfriend has a complete trust in me.
One of his good friends I learned... and I knew since late December... has this crazy crush on me. I tried to push it out of my mind because he said it wasn't me. Now I feel like an idiot. And I should have known this weekend when we touched on accident. I felt like he looked at me in a more than friends way. I should have known when he told me that my boyfriend doesn't respect me. I should've known when he picked at every little thing. I should've known when he told me I'm pretty.
I wish he didn't try to bring that up with me today. I wish I wasn't in denial. I wish I didn't lead him on. I wish he didn't post how shitty his life has become on Facebook four times in less than six hours. Is he trying to rub it in?
Back to the boyfriend... He didn't even want to hear details. Then he said he had to go eat dinner instead of talking to me about something important. Now he just texts me because he has homework... which I suppose is better than normal when he doesn't text me at all while he's doing his homework.
I was crying before I called him. It's not a big deal I guess because it was only a few tears. Now I just miss him.
He texted me first. So I feel a bit better.

Three

There is one phrase I feel that I should use more often. I used it today when I got angry. And then it pissed me off because one of my exes used to say it instead of bull shit. (Although I guess he could still be using it.) Just so you know, the two aren't interchangeable. I hate that guy now just as I have for the past eleven months. It was a birthday present to myself to stop talking to him when I ended our post-break-up friendship. It embarrasses me that I like my ex-boyfriend's most memorable phrase. Fuck that.

Two

We learned about how seven huge conglomerates own practically everything in the media.

Psychology makes me think too much. I never want to buy anything or watch tv or read or listen to music. Everything that's out there is too cool. I thought I was being different but no, I'm just the same. I'm a follower and that depresses me. I know there are many choices to do with my life which means there are no original choices unless I move to a remote village. Then there would be no entertainment or at least nothing electronic. I would die of boredom. And still that depresses me. I hate myself.

One

Hi.

I'd just like to say that my name is not completely random. It's actually from a poem I wrote:

green is lucky
violet duckie
little red trucky
yucky yellow bunny

And yes, it's not supposed to make sense.